Never Enough
by Ciara2531
Summary: "I lied to you about the things I did. Never about who I was or how I felt about you. Why doesn't that count for anything?


**A/N - I just watched last Monday's episode of Dallas and that brief moment where John Ross admits to Elena that she broke his heart had me deep in my feels. I've enjoyed the bond forming between John Ross and Pamela but in a partners in crime kind of way. I think he's still very much in love with Elena and I like to think she's not entirely over him either. So this is just a short drabble to explore some of that. If you're out there reading this, I hope you enjoy :-)**

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"I need to do this on my own," Elena murmured to Christopher.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," Christopher protested.

"It'll be fine," Elena said. "I'll see you at home, okay?"

The displeased expression on Christopher's face hardened and his voice was terse when he spoke again. "Whatever," he said, turning on his heel and stalking out the door towards the elevators.

Elena waited until she was certain he'd left before venturing across the hall towards John Ross' office. It was late and everyone else had gone home. She could see John Ross standing in front of the window, staring out at the Dallas skyline. His hands were stuffed in his pockets and for a second Elena felt a twinge of something painful tighten around her heart.

"Are you happy now?" she asked, leaning her shoulder against the door jam. "You got what you wanted."

John Ross didn't turn around.

"You don't want to have this conversation with me right now," John Ross said lowly. "So walk away, Elena. You're good at that."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Elena asked, stepping further into the office.

"Apparently nothing," John Ross said, glancing over at her. "Just like everything else about us."

Elena frowned and her genuine confusion snapped something in him. He started to advance on her.

"You asked me for an honest explanation the other day and I gave you one," he said. "Now it's my turn. Why did you go back to Christopher?"

"You know why," Elena said. "You lied to me and…"

"No," John Ross spat. "I didn't ask why you left me. I asked why you went back to him and it is _not_ the same thing Elena."

Elena stared at him, mute, but her eyes were scanning his face and getting stormier by the second.

"You know, I believed it at first," John Ross said bitterly. "That what I did was the reason we were over. I told myself it was all my own fault. And then you went running straight back into his arms and you got engaged to him and you've spent the last few months acting as if everything that happened between us never mattered."

He had backed her all the way into the wall at this point and even though he didn't have her pinned, he was close enough to make her feel boxed in. The look on his face was dangerous but Elena couldn't bring herself to actually fear him.

"So tell me," John Ross said. "Was any of it real or were you just using me and waiting for the first excuse to go back to your precious Christopher?"

The words were cold but his eyes were burning, lit by the intensity of his emotions. Elena licked her lips but she didn't look away from him.

"I trust him," she said simply. "I trust him not to hurt me. You made it so that I could never trust you and I don't know how to be with someone that I don't trust."

"I lied to you about the things I did," John Ross said. "Never about who I was or how I felt about you. Why doesn't that count for anything?"

"It does count," Elena said softly. "It's just not enough."

"Story of my life," John Ross said, turning away from her.

Elena was acutely aware of the loss of his body heat as he walked back towards the window and she felt herself shivering in response to the sudden chill.

"It doesn't matter anyway," John Ross said. "The man you saw in me, the man I so desperately wanted to be for you…he doesn't exist anymore. You let him drown and I'm better off without him."

"Are you?" Elena asked pointedly.

John Ross' lips twisted in a sardonic smirk.

"Careful darlin'," he said. "Someone might think you cared and we wouldn't want that."

"John Ross," Elena began.

"Don't," John Ross said flatly. "Just go home, Elena. It's been a long day for all of us."

Elena pressed her lips together to hold back a sigh. She pulled away from the wall and was about to cross the threshold when she paused. She looked at him over her shoulder. His back was to her and the symbolism wasn't lost on her. They were literally back where they had started this conversation and in many ways, they were back to where they'd started in their relationship too.

Maybe, Elena thought to herself, John Ross' lies hadn't been the real problem, the real mistake. Maybe the mistake was in thinking that they could break the cycle of how things had always been.

"I did love you, John Ross," she said quietly. "That was real."

She saw the tension in every line of his body increase but he didn't say anything. Blinking away the tears that were suddenly burning the backs of her eyes, Elena left the building and headed towards South Fork.

The entire drive, the conversation with John Ross played over and over in her mind. She saw past the things he'd said to all the things he hadn't said, past what he wanted her to see to what he was trying to hide, from her and maybe even from himself. For the first time in ages, Elena remembered how easy it had always been for her to see past John Ross' walls.

She realized that she'd stopped wanting to see beneath the surface because it was easier. It was easier to treat him like an adversary than worry about how much she'd hurt him.

Christopher and Bobby were in the kitchen when she walked in.

"Well?" Christopher demanded.

"I don't want you to fight John Ross and Sue Ellen," Elena said. "Let them have my shares."

"Are you crazy?!" Christopher shouted at her. "Absolutely not! Are you forgetting that he set your brother up? Manipulated and lied and…"

"Enough, Christopher," Elena snapped. "I know what he did. I know. But I also know _why_ he did it and…"

Elena broke off, not really sure how to explain that she'd broken a part of John Ross, the part that she should have tried much harder to protect because if she had maybe everything would be different. She wasn't sure she _wanted_ to explain.

"I want him to have the shares, okay?" Elena said. "I want him to."

Christopher stared at her as if he was having a hard time understanding who she was.

"Bobby?" Elena said.

"It goes against my gut," Bobby said. "But if you're sure this is what you want…"

"I'm sure," Elena said.

She knew it wouldn't change the past or fix the present but it was the closest thing to an apology that she could give John Ross and the only thing close to it that he would accept.

It wasn't enough but then, nothing with them ever was.


End file.
